How to Help a Rape Victim

If a friend or loved one chooses to confide in you about a crime committed against them, like rape, it can be difficult to understand how to comfort them. It is important to be able to give them a safe space to express their emotions, without forcing them to divulge more information than they wish to express or inadvertently saying anything that can make them feel ashamed or guilty. If you are looking for ways to help a rape victim, we have a few tips that can help.  

What is Sexual Consent?

One way to help a rape survivor is to understand the meaning of sexual consent. The person who is entrusting you with the details of their experience may need help understanding whether or not they gave consent.

Consent is a mutual agreement to perform a sexual activity that is understandable by all parties involved. It indicates a willingness to participate in a mutually agreed upon sexual activity. For consent to be understood, verbal affirmation is preferable, but it does not have to be present. If, for instance, a rape survivor discloses that they did not verbally say no, but simultaneously did not reciprocate sexual advances from their perpetrator, they did not give consent to the sexual act. 

Examples of consent include but are not limited to:

• Verbally stating that a person wishes to participate in sexual activity
• Non-verbal consent, like nodding yes, moving closer, and reciprocating sexual advances through body language

Consent for one sexual activity does not imply consent for additional activities, and past consent does not automatically imply consent for future activities. Sexual consent is also mandatory whether or not one is engaging in a sexual act with a long-term partner or spouse. 

Under What Conditions Is A Person’s Consent For Sexual Activity Not Valid?

There are some circumstances in which consent cannot be given. If a person is incapacitated (asleep, unconscious, under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or has any lack of awareness of the nature of sexual activity), they cannot be deemed to have given consent. 

A person under the age of consent (i.e. 16 – 18 years, depending on the state) is not capable of giving consent. Even if a minor says they consent, a person who engages in sexual activity with a minor may be guilty of statutory rape. Additionally, consent cannot be given when a person is afraid of their safety or the safety of loved ones, or is under any kind of undue pressure, likely due to the uneven power dynamics between the parties involved.  

How Do I Know If It Was Rape?

In addition to not giving consent, a rape victim may find it difficult to come to terms with or understand whether a sex-related crime was a rape. Rape is unlawful sexual intercourse with a person without their consent. It is an inclusive term, rather than exclusive. Rape can occur if:

• You were not old enough to give consent.
• You did not have the capacity to consent.
• Your consent was not freely given (i.e. you felt afraid or coerced to give consent).
• Your personal boundaries were crossed (you did not give your consent for an additional sexual activity, you changed your mind during the activity, or you wanted to stop).

It is also a common tactic of people in positions of power and/or authority to coerce or pressure a person to engage in sexual activity. They may promise better jobs, pay, positions, or even academic advancement in return for sexual activities. In such cases, one may be able to prove that there was a lack of consent for the sexual activity. 

If a person is not sure if they were sexually assaulted, or if they are a child and unable to fully communicate their feelings, then remember that as a caregiver, you can look for signs of sexual abuse or assault. 

Physical signs may include:

• Changes in genital health like itching, burning, or pain
• Bruises or bleeding in the genital area
• Development of venereal disease
• Unexpected changes in appetite or weight  
• Blood stains in underwear
• Frequent urinary tract infections

Emotional signs may include:

• Fear or dislike of certain people or places
• Lack of self-confidence
• Depression, withdrawal, anxiety
• Post-traumatic stress disorder 
• Issues with sleeping (nightmares, disturbances, or fear of darkness)

Behavioral signs may include:

• Increase in physical ailments (headaches, stomach aches, body aches, etc.)
• Fear, crying, or other negative emotions about being left with a babysitter or other care provider
• Bed-wetting if they were previously not a bed-wetter
• Regression to thumb-sucking
• Preoccupation with body parts and/or masturbation
• Using previously unknown words for private body parts

These lists are not exhaustive, and it is possible that a person or child has been raped but does not show any of these signs. Not all rape survivors fit a stereotype that may have been created by rape culture, so it is essential to be mindful and vigilant of any signs that reveal emotional disturbance, and provide a safe environment for loved ones so they may come forward with their stories. 

Male Rape

Male rape affects more than 5 million men over the course of their lifetimes. There are two main types of male rape:

• Forced penetration: At least 4.8% of men have said they have been forced to penetrate by another person using fear tactics or coercion. 
• Male-on-male rape: This involves a male perpetrator and a male survivor where the perpetrator does not have consent to engage in sexual activity with the other male. 

Although it is less common than female rape, male rape should never be disregarded and should always be taken seriously. 

What To Say To A Rape Victim

Taking a rape survivor seriously is paramount, regardless of their age, gender, or sexuality. One way to help support them is to learn what to say and what not to say to help them feel safe, trusted, and supported. 

No matter what, avoid judgment, and gently encourage them to seek help when they are ready. In addition, here are some phrases that can help them feel validated and safe:  

• I believe you 
• Thank you for sharing this with me / I am honored you trusted me to talk about this
• It is not your fault / There is nothing you could have done 
• You did not do anything to deserve this 
• You are not alone / I am here for you
• I am sorry this happened
• I am here to help in whatever way you need 
• We can get through this together 
• What do you need the most right now?
• Do you want to go to the hospital with you?

It is never a good idea to probe for details, or ask for additional information that the survivor does not want to provide at the moment. Allow them to share what they want to share, and withhold information they are not comfortable disclosing.

What To Say To A Child Who Was Raped

If you are a trusted person to a child who has confided in you about a sexual crime against them, helping them understand that they have made the right decision to tell you about it is key. It is also important to reassure them that they are safe, and that they have done nothing wrong. 

Affirm the child by letting them know that you will help them stop the abuse. The child survivor may be confused about what happened, especially if they have been manipulated by a child groomer into believing that the activities are acceptable or a sign of affection. 

Getting help for the child rape survivor is paramount. Once you are certain that the child will not be in danger, you may want to speak to the appropriate authorities to report the crime and visit a hospital for an examination. If you are unsure how to proceed, a child sexual abuse attorney can discuss potential options with you so you may proceed without risking the safety and security of the child. 

What Not to Say to a Rape Victim

It is best to avoid certain phrases and words that could make a rape survivor feel worse. Avoid saying:

• Calm down / Do not tell anyone about this ever
• I cannot believe they would rape you
• You are lucky nothing else happened / It could have been much worse
• Are you sure it was rape? Maybe you misunderstood their intent
• How can it be rape if you started it? 
• What were you wearing?
• Why did you allow this to happen?
• Did you scream or fight back?
• Why did you get so drunk? / Why did you invite them over? / Why did you go there?
• If you put yourself in such a situation, this is bound to happen
• I know exactly how you feel / If I were you…

One of the least supportive actions you can take is to cause a rape survivor to question their own interpretation of the events of their rape. Trust that if a person has come to you with this information, it is very real, and very traumatic.

How to Help a Rape Victim: Things to Keep in Mind

After you have been told about a person’s rape, you may find that they no longer want to continue talking about it. This is normal and natural. Sometimes, revealing that the rape actually occurred is the person’s first step toward healing. 

Keep in mind that just because they have told you about their rape, does not mean they are ready to tell anyone else – it is especially important to understand that everyone deserves the right to choose whether or not to share their story and with whom. Encourage them to seek help but never pressure them to do anything they are not yet ready to do. 

How to Help a Rape Victim Immediately After the Crime

If you are informed of a rape by a survivor immediately after it happens, here are the steps you may take:

• Take the rape survivor to a safe space: If they are in the same location where the rape occurred (a party, or even at work), leave the premises and relocate to a safe location. 
• Listen without judgment and express care and concern: Remember to tell them that you believe them and that you will help them however they need. 
• Show that you believe the survivor: It is important to always show that you believe the survivor, regardless of your personal bias or suspicion (remember, the percentage of false rape reports is no higher than any other crime; in fact, most rape cases are not reported)
• Do not pry for details but allow them the time and space they need: It is not necessary for you to ask for details to support them and get help. 
• Let them know you are here for them: Ensure they know you are here for support in any capacity they need. 
• Encourage the rape survivor to get immediate medical attention: Although they may not want to visit a hospital, offer to take them to one and encourage the necessity of immediate medical attention, particularly a rape kit. 
• Ask them if they want to notify a rape crisis center or file a police report: Let them know that they have options and that it is their choice to make these decisions. 
• Check with them if they want to speak to a rape attorney: Hiring a rape attorney can take the burden of understanding the legal options available to rape survivors, and enables them to make informed choices. 

In all your interactions, try to remain patient and calm. Even though this is an emergency, keeping a cool head will be beneficial to the rape survivor and help avoid additional trauma. 

How to Help a Rape Victim Who Was Raped a Long Time Ago

If you are approached by a person who tells you they were raped long ago, listen with care and compassion just as you would if the rape had just occurred. This is because, to the survivor, the rape is likely still a fresh event in their mind, and very much triggering irrespective of the number of weeks, months, or years, between the incident and the conversation. 

You may gently let the survivor know that many states have extended their statute of limitation after a sexual crime, allowing rape victims who were assaulted years ago to come forward with a lawsuit against their rapist. Offer to help them find a reputable rape attorney to speak with to better understand state laws concerning rape, sexual assault, and third-party negligence.

How to Help A Rape Victim During a Flashback

Many rape survivors experience flashbacks of rape, especially when they are triggered by something that reminds them of their experience. This can look similar to a panic attack, with a person seeming to disconnect from the present. In other words, a person having a flashback may seem disoriented, or may have a strong emotional reaction to a person, place or object that may not make sense to you. They may scream, cry, curl into a fetal position, or attempt to hide.

If you suspect someone is having a flashback, follow these steps to help bring them back to the present: 

• Identify yourself and say something oriented toward the present moment
• Ask them to open their eyes and look around the room and find something that makes them feel comforted
• Ask them to look around and name 5 things they see, 4 things they touch, 3 things they hear, 2 things they smell, and 1 thing they taste 
• Ask them to wiggle their toes or gently press their heels to the floor so they feel grounded
• With a warm and firm voice, repeat grounding or safety phrases as often as needed (even simple words like “You are okay” or “I am here” may help)
• Take slow and deliberate breaths together
• Do not touch someone during an active flashback and do not ask for details

Remind the rape victim that they have already survived this, and that they are safe where they are and in control of their surroundings. Continue with grounding exercises until they are calm, collected, and comfortable. 

Can a Sexual Assault Lawyer Help My Loved One?

One important way to assist a sexual assault survivor in their healing journey is to help them find a reputable, experienced, and compassionate attorney. At Edwards Henderson, our sexual assault and rape attorneys can help them reclaim their voice and regain control of their lives. Many rape survivors find the act of filing a civil sexual assault lawsuit empowering, and as experienced attorneys, we understand how to work with survivors of different backgrounds and requirements. 

Rape Lawyer Near Me

Edwards Henderson has offices in New York, Florida, and California. Our Florida office is conveniently located in Fort Lauderdale, between I-95 and A1A, several blocks east of Holiday Park. 

How to Help a Rape Victim: FAQs

1. What if my loved one does not believe they were raped?

If your loved one does not believe they were raped, do not force them to understand or see another point of view. It is important to never try to force an option on a survivor, but encourage them to speak up about their experiences. You may gently and compassionately explain consent to an individual who is unsure or does not believe they have been raped. 

2. What is a rape kit?

A rape kit collects physical evidence from a person who has been raped, which may then be used to prove the rape and determine the perpetrator. The kit includes tubes for samples, collection bags for clothing and fibers, swabs, slides, and forms. 

3. How can a rape crisis counselor help?

A rape crisis counselor can help a rape survivor by advocating for them, helping them remember key pieces of information, and offering support and resources to help them get justice, medical attention, and heal from physical and emotional injuries. 

4. How is someone’s mental health affected after rape?

Rape survivors may experience a host of emotions due to the crime. Most rape survivors may experience PTSD, anxiety, nightmares, or flashbacks. While there is no right or wrong way to deal with the emotional aftermath of a rape, it is possible that these symptoms may worsen if they feel they must keep the rape a secret. 

5. What are the things to avoid while helping a rape victim?

When assisting a rape victim, avoid all judgment or opinion. Do not pry for details of their rape, or attempt to force them to do something they do not want to do. 

6. How much does a rape lawyer charge for a civil lawsuit?

Attorney fees vary, but many civil lawyers operate on a contingency fee basis, which means you do not pay any fees until you have received compensation for your damages (such as medical bills, lost wages, and pain & suffering). 

Contact our Compassionate and Experienced Sexual Assault & Rape Attorneys

Your situation is unique, and our attorneys are prepared to understand your legal goals and help you achieve them. We are a team of compassionate, experienced, and diligent rape lawyers who will do their best to help you get back on your feet and bring your perpetrator to justice. 

Contact us today to speak to a rape attorney at Edwards Henderson.